I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
