wrigley field is MILF paradise
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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