Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
