I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize