you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
