Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
