When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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