yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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