When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We named our party play list daddy issues
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
