Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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