WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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