only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
