You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
