Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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