some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize