Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
