True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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