when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
