I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize