just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
