You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
