we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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