Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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