I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize