Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
