i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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