Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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