I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
