She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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