I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
