I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
