I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What a dumb baby whore.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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