Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize