4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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