I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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