I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
