if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
