if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
