It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize