I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
