I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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