He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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