did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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