my sisters under your porch take her home
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize