You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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