Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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