weddingsv make me drug and hornr
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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