No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize