Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
