what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
