my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize