So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
