Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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