You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
