I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
