normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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