a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I still have a little drunk in my system
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
