Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
