We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Randomize
