also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
