At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
3pm strippers are depressing
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
