OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
